Wed. Dec 11th, 2019

John steps into his room and carefully closes the door. He switches off the light and sits on his bed. He has just accomplished an almost impossible task again, that of going through the day. You may wonder how something as common as going through the day is an almost impossible task to John. The thing is, John feels like he is just walking among the living without really living. 

During the day, John looks great and fine in every single way, he is one of those who pass for “fresh boy”. To every other person he is just another school boy. He moves around with that jovial smile on his face. The smile plastered on his face is an ongoing sin, smartly covering up pains he feels within, scars within.  If only they knew that the smile serves as a defensive mechanism so he does not have to explain the reason for his sadness. At this point the tears have started snaking their way down his cheeks. Like every other night, he thinks of how ignorant the people around him are not to notice the fake smiles and laughs, not to notice how great a show he puts up during the day. He thinks of the advice he has given to different people but which he could not apply himself. “I’m fine” is just a line he uses often, one he doesn’t usually mean. When he was younger he had dreams of what he will be like at this age but then the sad realization that people always wake up from sleep and most times the dreams don’t come to pass hit him. He is not who he used to be but nobody knows that and he can’t let them know. They only know what he lets them know. Now the tears are pouring down in torrents. Why he is crying he isn’t sure but like every other night he thinks of ending it all. 

Just then he hears a buzzing sound and the lights from his phone screen come up. He carefully draws his lock pattern and a message from “BAE” comes up: “I love you boo”. A smile lights his face, now this is not the fake smile which he uses to mask his depression and the tears he sheds at night when no one is around. This is not the smile he uses as part of his show during the day. This is a genuine smile. He reads the message for the third time now and realizes that he needs to keep living at least for the ones who love him, for the ones he loves. 

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5 thoughts on “Smiling Mask

    1. If not for anything…live for the ones who love you and the ones you love. Think of how their lives will take a huge turn if you decide to end your life #notosuicide

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